trees & trust.

You chased my heart so I could see (1 John 4:19)
 But I stood unacceptable (Romans 1:21)
You called my name with infinite time (Ephesians 1:4)
And I lost sight so easily (Ephesians 4:18)
 
Then oh, I stood in the silence, I lay in the night, a voice in the stillness (Psalm 46:10, 1 Kings 19:12)
 "Oh my love, you're my child, take all these good things, soften your heart" (Philemon 1:6)
 
Lord help me, help me remember (John 14:26)
Flesh is weak, my spirit's strong (Matthew 26:41)
Dressed the trees you saw their splendor
More to you, love I am more (Matthew 6:26-34)
 
You found me as an empty room,
Walls with holes
So eagerly to say, "Oh love you own it all" (Galatians 4:1, Ephesians 1:3, Ephesians 2:6)
Inside of me, flows out of me (Colossians 1:27, 2 Corinthians 5:17)
 
Then oh, I stood in the silence, I lay in the night, a voice in the stillness
 "Oh my love, you're my child, take all these good things, soften your heart."
 
Walk with me, tell me the width and depth of the raging sea,
The deepest blue could never define you (Galatians 1:11-12, 1 John 2:27)

-"Trees & Trust" by kye kye

One month ago I left North Carolina to return to volunteer with Mercy Ships. Specific purpose in mind. Excited to offer my nursing skills and "expertise" to be used to impact others in Africa-- a place where I feel the very roots of my heart originate, though I didn't set foot on the continent until I was 19 years old. I have been back every year but one since then, and with each time those roots grow stronger, deeper. 

At this point we were "supposed" to be in Benin, West Africa, meeting our patients and preparing to start surgeries. But when I look outside my window (well, not my window... my cabin is a cozy little windowless cave), there remains the shipyard in Gran Canaria. Weeks later, we are still waiting. Anchored in place in the Canary Islands... for at least a week more. I will send out the details of why in my next email newsletter (aehumphrey087@gmail.com if you want to receive those updates)... likely early next week.

Though surrounded by water, my roots have felt dry, my leaves shriveled. "This is the wrong water, God." I have found myself saying. "I didn't come here to serve in the Canary Islands. I want to be docked on the African coast, loving those people, working as a nurse and finding fulfillment in caring for our patients. That's my purpose... remember?? I only committed to a couple months on board... at this rate will I even get to do what I came to do?!" Oh, how this clay likes to tell the Potter what to do.

Having left my life at home to come serve what I thought was a specific purpose-- sailing to Benin with Mercy Ships, helping with the patient screening day, getting the hospital up and running, and acting as a charge nurse/training the new nurses on board-- it has been hard to find myself working in the ship's dining room. (Most of the hospital staff have been reassigned to other departments since, obviously, there's not much need for a hospital when there are no patients.) I've exchanged dressing changes, health education, and cuddling post-op kiddos for hours of mopping, handing out spoonfuls of meat-laden dishes (a feat for vegetarians like myself), and washing dishes. Honest confession: It is humbling. It is not easy. It certainly is not what I had planned. 

This morning I realized I was right; this is the wrong water. My constant source of life, the water for my roots, is not Africa or nursing or health education, but God whose well is everlasting, who holds the ENTIRETY of the seas in the palm of His hand. (Isaiah 58:11; John 4:13-15)

My motivation should not be saving patients or "doing good" or serving in a specific, fulfilling capacity. It should be LOVING the one in front of me, wherever I am, in whatever I am being asked to do. God has given me SO many good things. The package and contents might not (translation: definitely do not) look like I anticipated, but still they are good. 

So like the song I quoted above, as I wait here... my God, my Father whispers to this child, "Take all these good things, soften your heart."

Are you also feeling dry? Maybe you, too, are relying on the wrong water. He is the one who gives us living water to fill our roots and make our leaves beautiful. My flesh is so ridiculously weak, I can not do a single thing without Him... lately I have been reminded of that every day. But He has chosen me (and you!), and He has given me water and life for THIS day. As I remain in Him, He is dressing this tree in His splendor. And He does that for His purposes, and so that I can love others.

"If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from Me you can do nothing...You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in My name. This is my command: LOVE each other." -John 15:5, 16-17