for when you feel lost or unseen.
The past three months have not been my favorite.
When people ask me how the transition home has been, I try to be honest but brief. So what I usually say is, "It's been tough, but I'm getting there". (Where is "there"? I wish I knew?) It's been tough for a lot of reasons, many I anticipated, but I won't delve into all that here.
You see, I went from doing something that naturally brought me great joy, even on the hard days, to finding it nearly impossible to feel joy, even in the things I used to love. From having a strong sense of purpose where I was... even if that was just teaching a 16y/o Congolese boy the English alphabet during a dressing change... to struggling to find my place again in my life as I knew it, which is not the same 'as I knew it', back here in NC. Lest I not show you the whole picture, there were a lot of things that were uncomfortable and less than ideal which come with living on a hospital ship in the Congo. But none of it seemed to matter all that much to me in light of what I was doing and what I was a part of.
It's difficult to come back to the "busyness" of life here. So many of the things that occupy our time seem trite or just boring, if I may be honest. In the midst of others' busyness, I feel unseen. Which twists itself into meaning "uncared for", even though I know that's not true. And in the midst of my busyness, I find myself looking for my on/off switch because I feel like a robot thrown back on the endless conveyor belt I don't even want to be on.
When I began, I wasn't sure why I was writing this post, other than that I think better when I run or write and it's raining today so I chose the latter. Now as I write, what I'm seeing is that I want to encourage others when they feel unseen. Because I'm there right now, and I must be here for a reason. I know I'm not the first to have gone through "reverse culture shock" or to have a quarter life crisis, and, unfortunately, I certainly won't be the last. Additionally, I want to help you better care for your friends and family who may be feeling lost or unseen at the moment. Look for ways you can slow your life down to SEE them and let them know it... Random acts of kindness, pointed questions and actually listening when they respond, letting them cry when they don't know why, assuring them it's okay to 'not be okay' and to need others, kicking them into gear when they need a little push, reading between the lines and forced smiles, caring for them even when it isn't easy.
But the essential thing I want to communicate here is that when you feel unseen, you MUST know you aren't. [Amy, you aren't.] You aren't without purpose. Despite how loudly your feelings or society or perhaps even friends or family declare otherwise, you have to know that you have great value and you have specific purpose. Why? Because God says so.
Maybe you don't care what God says, or maybe you don't believe He exists, but will you just stick with me for a few minutes? If you know me, will you let my life story and friendship open your mind for just a bit to ponder this? If you don't know me, will you suspend your beliefs and ideas and previous grievances with Christianity just for a moment? For the sake of being open-minded, if nothing else? Consider He does exist. That He created you. That the Bible is true. This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.(John 3:16-17 MSG) Consider He loves you. Enough to save you when you do not deserve it. Why would He save you if not for good and wonderful purposes? And if not to demonstrate His love for you? But God proves His great love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
I honestly don't know what I would do if I had to rely on my feelings and society for my "truth", for that to be what grounds me. Because even though I feel lost and unseen right now, I know I'm not. Even though I may be disappointed by myself, by others, and by my circumstances, I know God's love for me does not change. I am deeply cared for. And it's not because I earned that love in my perfection. Far, far from it. I fall short a lot, but I am loved perfectly in spite of that. I doubt and question a lot, especially in the midst of the suffering I have seen, but still I am loved perfectly. If God is GOD, then He can handle my doubts and yours a thousandfold. He doesn't have to answer all of our questions, and in my experience, He won't. But He will guide you. He will give you what you need for the present moment, and He will make you wait. Because that is what He sees as best... which is hard when I think I know what's best (which admittedly is a little too often). That's where trust comes in. It is a daily choice I make, based upon what the Bible tells me about God and what I have learned about Him through the way I've seen Him intervene in my life thus far.
Some days you'll get ice cream, some days you won't. Some days your kite will fly high, some days it gets stuck in the tree. That's just how it is here. <<watch>>
Some days you'll feel lost and unseen. Hang in there.
For every day He is God and He sees you. Every day gives us a chance to choose to trust, to be a friend, to pursue our dreams, to be patient, to love, to remember we have a purpose, to take a step forward (even if it's just a baby step!), and to forgive ourselves and each other when we mess up. Because God already forgave us.
Be kind and loving to each other. Forgive each other the same as God forgave you through Christ. [Ephesians 4:32]
When people ask me how the transition home has been, I try to be honest but brief. So what I usually say is, "It's been tough, but I'm getting there". (Where is "there"? I wish I knew?) It's been tough for a lot of reasons, many I anticipated, but I won't delve into all that here.
You see, I went from doing something that naturally brought me great joy, even on the hard days, to finding it nearly impossible to feel joy, even in the things I used to love. From having a strong sense of purpose where I was... even if that was just teaching a 16y/o Congolese boy the English alphabet during a dressing change... to struggling to find my place again in my life as I knew it, which is not the same 'as I knew it', back here in NC. Lest I not show you the whole picture, there were a lot of things that were uncomfortable and less than ideal which come with living on a hospital ship in the Congo. But none of it seemed to matter all that much to me in light of what I was doing and what I was a part of.
It's difficult to come back to the "busyness" of life here. So many of the things that occupy our time seem trite or just boring, if I may be honest. In the midst of others' busyness, I feel unseen. Which twists itself into meaning "uncared for", even though I know that's not true. And in the midst of my busyness, I find myself looking for my on/off switch because I feel like a robot thrown back on the endless conveyor belt I don't even want to be on.
When I began, I wasn't sure why I was writing this post, other than that I think better when I run or write and it's raining today so I chose the latter. Now as I write, what I'm seeing is that I want to encourage others when they feel unseen. Because I'm there right now, and I must be here for a reason. I know I'm not the first to have gone through "reverse culture shock" or to have a quarter life crisis, and, unfortunately, I certainly won't be the last. Additionally, I want to help you better care for your friends and family who may be feeling lost or unseen at the moment. Look for ways you can slow your life down to SEE them and let them know it... Random acts of kindness, pointed questions and actually listening when they respond, letting them cry when they don't know why, assuring them it's okay to 'not be okay' and to need others, kicking them into gear when they need a little push, reading between the lines and forced smiles, caring for them even when it isn't easy.
But the essential thing I want to communicate here is that when you feel unseen, you MUST know you aren't. [Amy, you aren't.] You aren't without purpose. Despite how loudly your feelings or society or perhaps even friends or family declare otherwise, you have to know that you have great value and you have specific purpose. Why? Because God says so.
Maybe you don't care what God says, or maybe you don't believe He exists, but will you just stick with me for a few minutes? If you know me, will you let my life story and friendship open your mind for just a bit to ponder this? If you don't know me, will you suspend your beliefs and ideas and previous grievances with Christianity just for a moment? For the sake of being open-minded, if nothing else? Consider He does exist. That He created you. That the Bible is true. This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.(John 3:16-17 MSG) Consider He loves you. Enough to save you when you do not deserve it. Why would He save you if not for good and wonderful purposes? And if not to demonstrate His love for you? But God proves His great love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
I honestly don't know what I would do if I had to rely on my feelings and society for my "truth", for that to be what grounds me. Because even though I feel lost and unseen right now, I know I'm not. Even though I may be disappointed by myself, by others, and by my circumstances, I know God's love for me does not change. I am deeply cared for. And it's not because I earned that love in my perfection. Far, far from it. I fall short a lot, but I am loved perfectly in spite of that. I doubt and question a lot, especially in the midst of the suffering I have seen, but still I am loved perfectly. If God is GOD, then He can handle my doubts and yours a thousandfold. He doesn't have to answer all of our questions, and in my experience, He won't. But He will guide you. He will give you what you need for the present moment, and He will make you wait. Because that is what He sees as best... which is hard when I think I know what's best (which admittedly is a little too often). That's where trust comes in. It is a daily choice I make, based upon what the Bible tells me about God and what I have learned about Him through the way I've seen Him intervene in my life thus far.
Some days you'll get ice cream, some days you won't. Some days your kite will fly high, some days it gets stuck in the tree. That's just how it is here. <<watch>>
Some days you'll feel lost and unseen. Hang in there.
Be kind and loving to each other. Forgive each other the same as God forgave you through Christ. [Ephesians 4:32]
Amy, you are uniquely precious and extraordinary young woman, whose passion to serve is both inspiring and challenging to those of us who know you. Praying for you as you continue to transition that God will guide you and set your course before you and renew your joy even in the more mundane days when you feel particularly discouraged by superficiality in our culture. No doubt, you are going to do great things, but in the words of Kid President (I love him too) "it's not about what you do, it's about who you are. You, you're awesome!" I appreciate how transparent you've been in this post and your wisdom to focus on the God who sees and truth rather than feelings, and your desire and ability to share truth and grace. And I hope that tomorrow is one of the days you get ice cream. :-)
ReplyDeleteAMY! Thank you for sharing your heart! I really do miss you and cherish the time onboard with you! You made so many days so much better for me here! I love your genuinesness and your heart for the Lord and people! You are precious to me! Keep sharing your story! It makes a difference! Love ya!
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