I will try to fix you?

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-Coldplay, "Fix you"

I like to fix things (I think most of us do). Not fixing as in "Hand me a phillipshead", but in the "I want to see progress and accomplishment, and for all to be well" sort of way.

And for most of my life, things have been very fixable.

As a young girl, playdough and a tu-tu from the 'dress up' bin fixed my rainy days. A band-aid and a kiss fixed my scraped knees. Ten little steps to a fully stocked pantry (or the cookie jar!) fixed my "hunger". 

A trip to Goodberries fixed my first-day-of-school jitters. A Z-pack fixed my sinus infection. A money transfer from Mom and Dad fixed my depleted college student bank account. Time fixed a broken heart. Affirming words fixed nervous fears before my first "big girl" job interview. Quick action and the right nursing judgment fixed patients.

The past 6 weeks I have faced a lot of 'unfixables'. I have struggled through coping with the suicide of a close friend and father figure while thousands of miles away from home. I have been a part of telling hundreds of hopeful, hurting, beautiful people, "I'm sorry, but we cannot help you" (at Mercy Ships' patient screening day)... many whose conditions would be fixable, if only we weren't in Africa. And today I said au revoir to a precious girl, one of our tiniest patients, as she said bonjour to heaven. The tumor in her little mouth was growing too rapidly, her body was too weak from the ravaging effects of cancer and from the struggle to breathe, and we could not fix her.

This is not easy. Fixing is easy. Loving and trusting and continuing to walk forward even when you can't fix is the far more difficult task.

Many people may think nursing is about fixing. And in a lot of ways, it is. But at the end of the day, if I haven't "fixed" a patient... does that mean I have failed them? I don't believe so. I have failed them if I haven't loved them.

It's an incredible place, the hospital here on the Africa Mercy, because here love is the most important thing. 

"...But the greatest of these is love." [1 Corinthians 13:13]

And today, though we all struggled with our inability to help this baby girl, with how much she deteriorated in just one short week, we were united in our love for her and for a God who is the only One who can truly fix.

I can try to fix, but He WILL fix. In His own time, in His own way. Today He chose to fix this dear little one by calling her home.

Today I am choosing to cast my burdens on Him, because He cares so incredibly for me and sustains me. And I am choosing to love because, unlike the song states, I don't think love can ever go to waste. 

What I am learning more and more is that life isn't about fixing, anyway, but about loving and leaving the rest up to my God...