questions and THE answer.

August 10, 2014

Flying Air Europa en route to Tenerife (Canary Islands)

As I prepare to return to the ship, I am giving You all of me, Lord. I am laying down my pride and my fears, surrendering "my" control and plans, handing over my insecurities, and asking for forgiveness for any wrong motives and everything in me that isn't pleasing to You. Thank You for the ways You show me You love me every day... even on the days I don't listen or am too preoccupied with my own agenda. Thank You for GRACE... if I only understood how much I need it!! Give me vision to see as You do while on the ship... having an eternal perspective and noticing the unseen, looking for ways to serve and put aside my selfish ambition-- that I may bring glory to You and NOT to myself for being perceived as a "nice person" or a "good Christian". With that, I'm going to need Your help (in a huge way!) to seek Your approval, not man's... to care more about what You think of me, about the condition of my heart, than about my appearance or if the "right people" like me or if I'm valued on the ship and missed by people at home. You don't need me, God, the ship certainly doesn't need me, but You have CHOSEN me and called me and I am here answering that call.

"Here I am, Lord, send me!"

even if...

• it's hard and far from my agenda
• it endangers my health and "well-being"
• it doesn't seem important from the world's standards
• I feel alone
• it affects my relationships
• it means sacrificing comfort and security
• it requires complete selflessness
• it means letting go of my dreams
• it's scary
• it means living far away
• it means staying in North Carolina
• others don't understand or doubt me/You
• I don't feel like it
• it seems impossible
• it appears to cost too much
• it means 'missing out' on other things
• it doesn’t look like I think it will/want it to

You are better.

I wrote this prayer in my journal while flying from mainland Spain to join the m/v Africa Mercy in Tenerife two weeks ago. Since then, Mercy Ships has delayed its sail to Africa twice, due to the worsening Ebola epidemic in West Africa and issues with one of the ship's propellers. Now it appears likely (though not certain) that we will not sail to Benin this year, as was planned, but to another country that is yet to be determined. There is a lot going on behind the scenes and our leadership is being as supportive and transparent as they can be in this process, but still that has left the ship crew in a waiting period of unknown length. All of our plans (which were changed once earlier this year when the Ebola virus first appeared in Guinea) have been turned upside down, ripped to shreds, and scattered out to sea. Some of us-- especially those on the 'advance team' who spent the past 3+ months in Benin preparing for the ship's planned arrival, and those who came to work in the hospital like myself-- are more affected than others. But we are all impacted as we wait here in the Canary Islands off the coast of Morocco... unsure of what is next when. The current aim is to leave the Canary Islands and sail somewhere on September 5. Very specific, I know. That somewhere may be returning to Congo where I volunteered with the ship last year. It may not be. 

I've had a hundred and one questions running through my mind this past week, mostly "WHY" questions, and have yet to find any answer to them as I sit and pepper God except, 

"I AM." (Hebrew translation: Yahweh)

Like the "Because I said so" response you get to your "Why?"s as a child, I AM does not really answer the question at hand... but it does point to something deeper. It points to WHY I need to ask the why questions...

I have a flawed perception of myself:

I think I deserve all the answers. I don't.

I think I have some degree of control. Wrong again.

I think it's about me. It really, truly is not. At all.

I have a faulty perception of God:

I doubt His goodness.

I question His constancy.

I undervalue His power.

I diminish His love.

You see, what it comes down to is this... I say it with my mouth, but in my heart (as evidenced by my actions and my worries), I don't trust He is who He says He is.

YAHWEH.

In my questions, He is reminding me it's not about the answers. It is about knowing Him. Knowing leads to trusting which leads to more knowing, more trusting. 

Wanting to know more about God? You can learn a lot from a name, especially His names (there are many throughout Scripture)... Check out THIS article from desiringgod.org which expounds more what Yahweh means and who God is. Here are a few highlights...

"God will never end. If he did not come into being he cannot go out of being, because he is being."

"God is constant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He cannot be improved. He is not becoming anything. He is who he is.”

"Everything that is not God depends totally on God. The entire universe is utterly secondary. It came into being by God and stays in being moment by moment on God's decision to keep it in being."